Dear Matt Walsh: You are not Woman; Tone Down your Roar

I try to stay out of the "Mommy Wars".  Even that description of what this debate consists of is a third rail I would rather not touch, nor do I buy into its assumptions of "us" vs. "them", a dichotomy that I have not personally found exists in such stark terms, at least not in my own life and circles.  That's not to say I don't have my opinions; I have very strong, sometimes politically incorrect, opinions about women, about working, about parenting, and about why, for me and my family, having two working parents is the right model for us and for our kids.  But I recognize the limitations of my perspective; my opinions come from my life, my upbringing, my wiring, and the values my husband and I share.  They do not necessarily reflect, or speak for, any other woman or family or set of values.  And while (if I'm being totally honest) I don't necessarily buy into the "no one should judge one another, every mom is awesome and should do whatever she wants without being vulnerable to criticism" line of thinking (in an ideal world maybe, but the bottom line is that everyone judges and not all moms (or dads) are awesome in each other's estimation; denying that doesn't really move the discussion forward in my opinion), I do think there are some rules of engagement when one enters this conversation.

I read Matt Walsh's recent blog post ("You're a stay at home mom?  What do you do all day?") after it appeared in my Facebook news feed and had a visceral reaction.  I have been trying to pull that reaction apart, to determine exactly from where my offense derives.  So, Mr. Walsh, here it goes:

I certainly don't take issue with each sentence you write in a vacuum.  I agree that the anecdotal conversations you quote sound unfortunate and short-sighted, and that being at home with children full time (which I have done at various points for various lengths of time) is extraordinarily tiring and challenging and also fulfilling in incredible ways.  I also, however, happily work outside the home and have always had a career (albeit in various iterations); not because I'm "forced into it", but because it is important to me that I do for many reasons.  My job is not some Marxist nightmare, but actually something I care deeply about, and that fulfills me in a way that other spheres of my life do not.  I would not be the person, and parent, I am without that need filled.

But the cringe I felt when I read your post really didn't come from a strong feeling about working vs. staying at home; again, I've done both, I have friends who do both (or one or the other), and I think it's less of a line in the sand for most women than you make it out to be, your anecdotes notwithstanding.  For the most part I find we are all individual grains of sand, mixed together, doing our best before the tide washes in and our kids are grown.  My main concern is your totally unjustifiable conflation of what it means to honor mothers (and their children) with the side you have chosen to take in the "Mommy Wars", a "War" in which I'm not sure you should be fighting at all (and here I used the term deliberately because you are clearly choosing an us vs. them, and I am part of the "them" in your framework).  You don't honor women and motherhood by verbally denying membership into their hallowed halls to women who do not agree with your take on what the "ideal" balance is -- for women -- between working and staying at home.  Not to state the obvious, but you are not a woman.  Although I tend to believe everyone has a right to their opinion, here I have to say you are speaking out of turn.  This is not like Wally Lamb's invisible embodiment of a female voice in "She's Come Undone".  Your post, Mr. Walsh, is the opposite of that.  And to take up such an important cause on our behalf, with such a divisive message, makes me want to say "lay down your sword, Sir Walsh; your white knight services are not needed here."

I can't speak to whether your wife was flattered or bolstered by your words, or whether she felt that you were inappropriately speaking on her behalf; that's between you and her and really irrelevant to my point.  You may be able to speak for your wife; you may know her well enough, and you may have a relationship where coming to her specific defense against the specific critics you cite in your post is a positive thing for your relationship.  But you do not speak for all women, and you certainly do not speak for me.  I remain a woman, and I remain a mother, even with my career (I truly cannot believe I am prompted to write that sentence in 2013...but the fact that I am gets to the core of what is so offensive in your words).  Going to an office and contributing in that sphere of my life does not diminish my mommy-ness.  I suppose in that regard I agree (indirectly) with your description of one of the distinctions between having a job and being a mom:  I may have chosen to work "part-time" at various points in my career, but in doing so I do not (through some sort of inverse proportion) become a "part-time" mother.  I am always a mother, 100% and completely.  In the same way my husband is always a father, even though he goes to work in an office every day.  To suggest that women who choose (and are able) to stay home with the kids have some type of monopoly on motherhood (or at least a claim to the "ideal" or "revered" motherhood) is heresy.  It is the greatest insult to motherhood one could possibly make.  Not to mention, to fatherhood.  Because I personally don't want the exceptionalism you bestow on mothers, of which I count myself one.  Take me off your pedestal, Mr. Walsh, or I'll jump, a la Kate Chopin's The Awakening.

At this point (at the risk of adopting an approach I have just criticized) I will come to my own spouse's defense.  Because he is as important and as central to our children's lives as I am.  He is shaping, and molding and raising them, just as I am, even though we both work (and sometimes because we both work, as I am certainly proud of the example I try to set for my three amazing boys who I hope will grow up to be three amazing men who value being intellectually curious, passionate about what they do, dedicated to both work and family, and who are not afraid of strong women).  Because that's what parents do.  And parenthood is not a zero sum game.  Isn't that why it's so beautiful?  All the fears about not having enough love to sustain multiple children are never realized.  There is always enough love.  Always enough energy.  Always enough devotion and dedication.  At least, that's my experience.  Like an elementary particle, my "motherhood" cannot be split or diluted.  Whether you work, whether you stay at home, whether you are a mom, dad, or other primary caregiver raising a child -- it is who you are, all the time; whether on the soccer field, helping with homework, or sitting in an office behind a desk.  That is what should be glorified -- not one model of achieving the ultimate goal of raising happy kids into successful adults.

Don't tell me what is best for me or my kids, Mr. Walsh.  Don't tell me what is ideal for humanity, and what my role as "mother" should be in getting us there, all in some supposed defense of mothers and children.  You are one voice.  You are not my voice.  And you are on thin ice claiming to represent a group to which you don't belong, in a "War" that most of us aren't fighting.