As I celebrate turning 40 this week, a milestone for reasons I
can't quite articulate, I find myself reflecting on some truths life has
revealed along the way. I preserve them
here as a reminder, and with the suspicion that in another 40 years, my list of
life-lessons may look very different.
For now, turning 40, I know that...
1.
It would have been cliché (almost "US
Weekly") to call this "Turning 40: 40 Things I Now
Know." And anyway, I don't
think I've learned 40 life-lessons yet.
And regardless, I still feel like I'm 28. And, most importantly, I don't owe anyone an
explanation as to what number of lessons I decide to include. Maybe I'm just mysterious.
2.
Notwithstanding #1, pretty much everything in
life is, in fact, a cliché and fundamentally unoriginal. The temptation, which should be avoided, is
to equate unoriginal with unimportant. Most of the significant experiences in life,
including living itself, have been done by millions of humans before you and
that doesn't mean your turn to be unoriginal isn't one-in-a-million.
3.
You can be really smart (I mean, nerd level
smart) and still enjoy watching Lifetime Original Movies about murderous
cheerleader cliques called "Dying to Belong". As Walt Whitman wrote: "Do I contradict
myself? Very well then I contradict
myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes)". Or, in the words, of Lady Gaga: "Baby I was born this way."
4.
It is a blessing to be "medium attractive"
- sufficiently good-looking to put people at ease but not so good-looking that
things are handed to you without effort. It is also a blessing not to have a job that
depends on your looks. (Ok fine, I'm
just jealous of the truly good-looking people in the world....)
5.
As you get older your inner circles get smaller,
but much much stronger.
6.
There are people who like emotional drama and
people who don't. This is not a judgment
of one type or the other; merely a caution that it is important to learn as
early as possible which type you are.
7.
Everyone falls on a spectrum between
"introverted" and "extroverted". Knowing where you fall in relation to your
friends and spouse is an important key to happiness. Learn how to recharge the way you need
to recharge and take the time to do it.
8.
Love and friendship are not zero sum games. New friends do not siphon friendship away
from old friends. Similarly, new
children do not limit the amount of love you can give to existing children. It just doesn't work that way, and jealousy
based on that type of calculus is misplaced.
9.
There is no scorecard in marriage. Quid pro quo and tit for tat will get you
nowhere but bitter. Save it for the golf
course (and be sure to win regularly).
10. It
is important that the argument you are having (with anyone with whom you find
the need to argue) is actually the argument that you want or need to be
having. No one can read minds and
subtext belongs in an English literature course. Related point: When an argument is over, it is over. Forever.
Do not retread old ground. Do not
fight old fights. Put it in the lockbox
and move on.
11. If
you experience an embarrassing moment or life failure, you should own it --
openly, loudly, and with lots of laughter.
There is nothing more compelling than someone who wears her fallibility
proudly.
12. People
you love and trust will disappoint you from time to time (just as you will
disappoint them from time to time).
Forgive them and ask forgiveness.
13. People
you think you love and trust will disappoint you in fundamental
ways that will demonstrate they are not who you thought they were. This is not the same as #12 and it is
critical to know the difference. Forgive
them too; but make a mental note of their limitations. You cannot change other people, but you can
change your expectations of them. You decide who has permission to
disappoint you.
14. Some
people will like you. Some people will not like you. It is futile and unwise to continuously morph
in an attempt to achieve 100% likeability and it will leave you feeling
un-moored. Be true to yourself, listen to
your inner voice, and attract people who want to be around you.
15. Some
criticism is constructive (and has the recipient's best interests at heart);
some criticism is destructive (and more likely has something to do with the
criticizer's own issues, shortcomings, or self-loathing). Try to bestow and accept only the
former. The latter has no place in
relationships that matter.
16. Everyone
has a second act. And a third, and
fourth, and fifth. Having the
imagination to reinvent oneself is the best weapon against ever feeling stuck
or at the mercy of life. WWMD? (What
Would Madonna Do -- not Widespread Weapons of Mass Destruction).
17. When
making career decisions, always have an exit strategy. Like Connect 4, the key to success is being
able to see what each checker will get you and all the possible winning
configurations that lie ahead (and it is equally important to know that you can
always just pull that fun lever at the bottom and start over any time you want
-- the checkers will still be there).
18. If
you ever have an inkling to do something nice for someone else, you should do
it. Show up. Make dinner.
Give a complement. Text
hello. Attend the funeral. You will never be judged poorly for being too
kind, except by people who likely deserve to be judged poorly.
19. There
will always be someone worse off than you, and always someone better off than
you. You are still entitled to have a bad
day, and you are still entitled to dream big, but always know why you are also
entitled to be thankful.
20. If
you ever say, "I'll never do that" you
are pretty much guaranteed to do that very thing at some point in time. This is not to say that there's anything
wrong with having present-day judgments about your future self, just know that
your ability to predict your own behavior is deeply flawed. (I also recommend at least one New Year's
Resolution that involves doing every thing you swore during the prior year that
you would never ever do. For me that has
included buying Tory Burch flats (talk about cliché...but boy do I
love them!), joining a workout cult, abandoning regular manicures, going back
to work in an office, wearing sweats to the bus stop, and running a marathon.)
21. There
is no one right way to be a parent but there are many obvious wrong ways. Concern yourself with avoiding the latter
rather than striving for the former.
22. Loving
and liking your children (and being loved and liked by your children) are not
the same things. Both are a gift, but
one is imbued and the other earned from expending the effort to get to know
each other.
23. Every
now and then you can let yourself be the fun parent who says yes and enjoy the
look of total surprise on your kids' faces.
It won't undercut your authority; it may actually earn you some respect. (And hey, who doesn’t
like to pour rainbow sprinkles straight into their mouth from the container?)
24. It
is too much to try to bear the burden of stopping time or pinning down moments
as kids grow up. Truth be told, many
moments are hard and inspire a legitimate desire to hit fast-forward. And being constantly aware of how fleeting it
all is can be paralyzing. But once a
day, or once a week, or as much as feels right:
Stop. Look. See.
Hear. Until your breath is taken
away and you want to burst into tears.
And then know that even though time marches on, you had the moments that
matter, and you don't have to catch them in a jar like elusive fireflies to
prove it.
25. "In
100 years, who's going to care?" (Credit to my Dad, who always knows how
to inject just the right amount of perspective when I am veering towards
self-absorption.)
26. “There are no wrinkles on a balloon.” (Credit to my Mom and Grandma. Bottom line – when life offers you ice cream,
the answer is always yes.)
27. "You
always have boundaries. Let someone else
choose them and they are restrictions.
Choose them yourself and they are principles." (Credit to random
jeans print ad commercial in the 80's for "Boundaries Jeans" that
I've never forgotten and by which I have tried to live. Hey, inspiration comes from all sorts of places….)
28. The
shades of gray in life are harder, truer, and more beautiful than anything that
appears to be black and white. Embrace
the nuance of things that don't lend themselves to clear explanation or
conclusion. Time spent in the shadows
and mist is well worth it.
More than anything else, I know that I am at a time in my
life where I am cushioned on either side by generations who define me,
encompassing both my past and my future.
I am, literally, in the sweet spot of life. I thankfully still have the guidance and
wisdom of my parents, the camaraderie of my sister and friends, and also the
innocently insightful joy of my young and not-yet-jaded children, all wrapped
up in unconditional love and powered by the unfailing support of my
husband. A Venn diagram of who I am,
each overlapping circle being pulled gently in opposite directions, threatening
to move out of one another's atmospheres.
I know that this is a fleeting moment, as is every moment we get to
write in this great story of life. And it
makes my heart ache, as I, panicked, desperately try to hold the configuration
together. Perhaps, in fact, I can
articulate why this birthday is a milestone after all.
